It's been a while since I last published a post on this site, and I thought what thing to do than post? so I decided to write a blog for the occasion of boredom.

My life as of recent has been, alright. Nothing special. I've learned not to trust the people I thought were my friends, and that boys are the eternal scumbags of this earth.

yes, yes they are.

There is no use in denying it, HUMAN beings as a whole are a morally corrupt and doomed race. I mean, seriously, I've probably only met a handful of real down to earth people. I wish we would all just get along. Don't you agree?

Wouldn't it be better if we didn't have those jealous bitches, those whores who talk behind your back because they wish they were you? I mean, why do people even bother? Don't they have anything better to do? You know, the only reason why people resort to talking shit is because of boredom.

Boredom is the root cause of destruction to our society.

Ex. :

"So, what's up, Kathy?"
"Not Much, Jill."
"Oh, I see."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"So did you see the dress Lauren Ford was wearing to her date with Bobby last night?"
"No, what did it look like?"
"It was the shortest, most skankiest thing I've ever seen in my entire life! I swear, I can't believe her parents let her out of the house looking like that, they probably weren't even home! She was practically wearing a tank top, that's all, just a tank top and heels! I even heard she went all the way, I mean, how could she not wearing a dress like that!"
"You've  got to be kidding me! That whore! I knew it was about time she started skankin' it up. I'm sure you already know what Johnny Fontaine has been telling all the boys about Lauren..."
"No, I don't think I have..."
"Well, my cousin Leslie heard from her best friend Susan whose brother is on the football team with Johnny that he and Lauren did the nasty at his parent's lakehouse... on tape!"
"What no way! That whore, let's tell everybody!"

end.

see? arn't I right or what? Boredom is lethal.

I'm sure Hitler was bored when he came up with the whole, "let's annihilate the jews" Schtick. I mean, who really comes up with an idea like that riding a unicycle or skipping down the Louvre with a popsicle?

Hell, even I have been subjected to doing a couple of things I regret when it came to boredom. WE ALL HAVE. Now all we need to do is find something universal to curb the widespread DISEASE of boredom.

yes? Yes.

Tags: bored, boredom, fake people, hitler, skank, whore
Current Mood: distressed

       Growing up I always thought I knew the meaning of love and what it was like to love, but as I get older the definition has kept changing and changing to something I no longer recognize. As a child, I was raised not to cry and scolded to whenever I did start, that is why I seldomly cry today. I was always punished severely for things I didn't even do half of the time, so I grew up hating my father, wanting him to die. I thought this was all normal, I thought all fathers were this cruel to their children; or child, because it was always me being punished, never my other two siblings. I never enjoyed my childhood because I was constantly in trouble, and I don't even remember a single thing I did wrong. Even till today, I live in constant fear of my father. I'm always afraid to bring friends over,  or go  out because I'm scared he's going to yell at me, or punish me for some odd reason. I've gotten punished for the smallest things  too,  like forgetting to open my bedroom window. I've always kept journals as a child to write the way I felt because it was always forbidden to talk about anything in public, journals that have long since been lost. I've started writing more journals, but they only date back 7 or 8 years and still the heartache is etched within the pages.

       I look at my friends, and the reality shows on television, wishing I had lived the way they did. With happiness and good times. Father's who hug their daughters and say they love them, or even call them sweetheart or darling. I've never gotten such compliments. It was always rude remarks or bad names. Still is. I'm eighteen and still have a 10 o'clock curfew, I can't dye my hair, I can't get  peirced, I can't get a tattoo, I can't smoke, I can't have a boyfriend(depends). What the hell is that all about? What has my life been accumulated into all these years? Nothing. I can't even drive, I don't have a job, there is practically no means of escape. 

       I've lived my life in hell too long. My mother's means of affection has always been money. I can have whatever I want, and yet, the one thing I really want it is to be loved. I know my mother loves me alot, but I can't say the same for my father.  I've always been a fuckup to him. Like he's been so perfect? He dropped out of school in the SIXTH GRADE, made a living for himself and made lots of money. Which eventually was spent. And now he's disabled and can't work anymore, so he's home 24/7 bugging on me all the time for EVERYTHING. At least now he takes anger pills, but he forgets to most of the times. I hate this. 

       I hate not being the blond, perfect, thin, little, bombshell my sister is.I hate not being good at anything, I hate that my life has accumulated to nothing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

      I was very young when I started cutting myself. I was about, maybe twelve, I didn't know what it was but I knew it was better than the pain I was already experiencing. Cutting had not yet been glamorized by the media when I found my refuge to it's many releases, so I was relatively novice. I admit, it wasn't the best alternative to coping with my pain, but it worked the best; better than food, which had been working until my heaviest at 210 pounds and 5'0! Not only was I abused at home, but my my peers at school. I was constantly the butt of many jokes for my morbid obesity and lack of style. I never realized the whole world was laughing at me, I thought I was in on all the jokes, I tried to play them off and laugh along, but I secretly knew they were trying to hurt me, and the best way was for me to hurt myself too.

       During the summer of my seventh grade I started becoming an anorexic, and again, it had not yet been glamorized in the media. For the next five years I battled anorexia and starvation, losing over 85 pounds, and yo-yoing from my lowest, 130, to my average of 150 (at 5'4). Dieting became a constant in my life, and I thought if I could be thin and pretty, then everybody would love me. But I was dead wrong.

       Once I had lost all the weight, I felt empty. That's when I realized appearance wasn't everything. I had been a hundred times happier being the fat little girl, than the average sized teenager. I always had this ideology when I was my heaviest, that if I lost all the weight, I wouldn't need anything in the world. I always wondered why in the world skinny girls would be depressed, they basically had it all in my eyes. So, I began to realize how wrong of me it was to think that being thin was the basis of society after I had lost all the weight. I began to become depressed again, and usually resorting to eating and cutting, eating and cutting. It became habitiual. What I really wanted now was a boyfriend, I had never had one before, so the first guy that came along stole my frenzy. I had a few flings here and there, but my first real boyfriend was when I was 16 (almost 17). I was extremely depressed during that relationship, I don't know why, but I dreaded seeing him. I sort of enjoyed his company, but it was really aggrivateing sometimes. He was 21 years old, but had the mentality of a five year old. I hated his childish antics and his SHOW-OFFYNESS. What I can't stand is people who show off, and every guy I've ever 'talked' to has had that quality. Why do guys think it works to show off in front of a girl? It's a major turn off. So I dumped him three weeks into the relationship, and coincidently two weeks before my birthday. We kept in touch and now don't keep in touch at all, I think it's because I got a new boyfriend one day after we broke up, hah. He was a jerk anyway to me, so was the new boy.It's not like I've ever done anything with any of my boyfriends, they've just had the title.

       Which brings me to another point. I've been so scared of life that I've never even kissed a boy. I'm horrible at keeping relationships and friends, and I really can't get into the psyche of why. I've always wanted one of those relationships I've seen on tv, where they kiss and hug, and hold hands while they stroll in the park, but then again, I feel awkward just thinking about it. I've learned to detest those mushy moments, yet I yearn for them. I guess I've never found the right guy.
    
       Since we're in the spectrum of guys, I always found it a neccesity to date guys who were much older than me. I  believed older men were more stable and knowledged than those who went to my school.I often found myself crushing on teachers, substitutes or other considerably older beings. I, myself, am a very learned person, so I guess I needed an outlet for my mind. I like having things in common, talking about books, movies and literature with another person, you see, teens these days just don't have that in their horizon. To them, it's all sex, drugs and parties, and I'm not for that.

     I was very young when I learned I liked girls. I  didn't know it was an 'abnormal' attraction, but it was as clear since the age of 8 that I was attracted to girls. I was in the fifth grade when the world "Lesbian" defined itself prominantly in my mind. My best friend's mother was a lesbian, and that's when I realized there was a name to my emotion. Of course I wasn't a full fledged lesbian, but a bi(oh, how much I deteste that word). I cried for days when I realized this, I didn't want to be different, but I guess I had no other choice. I kept my sexuality underwraps until recenetly, whereas I'm more open to admitting, I'm even into the whole LGBT/LOGO community thing. The one thing I can't stand though is how bisexuality has become such a playing card for skanky girls. They're not really bisexual, but use it as an advantage point to get guys, I find it disgusting. They make out with other girls for guys to watch and get turned on to, I find it absolutely repulsive. I hate whores. And from my first blogs, I think you'd be able to tell.

       I've always been an outcast, and I don't think I'll ever fit in (not that I'd ever want to). My life has been this mass of emotional devoid, and I think it would be very hard for me to fall in love, or even trust anybody. I lack emotion, and I hate not having the ability to love.

Tags: abuse, bisexual, cutting, emotion, growing up, lesbian, lgbt, life, love
Current Mood: drained

 I haven't blogged in what feels like years! Within my absence of words, quite alot of things have happened.For one thing, I turned 18! I'm finally legal, now my lustful desires for older man can be satiated within legality.Kidding, Kidding. I'm a good girl, remember? Never touched a boy in my entire life. I have also experienced quite a boring and slightly uneventful summer. My Best Friends helped make it better, though. I've been navigating through the difficult world of dieting, and battling a teeny tiny case of anorexia. I have an incredibly low self esteem and an incredibly lower social life. Ughah.

Which brings me to my next topic. There is this boy in one of my classes who is excruciatingly handsome, but quite creepy, which makes him even more desirable. Not that I like him, or anything, but he has these chisled features that are just beautifully sculpted. If he didn't insist he was human, I'd guess he was a mix between Vampire and Werewolf. And you know I'm pretty blatant about my observations. What's on my mind comes out, regardless of what people might say. Oh! The creepy thing is,he stands behind people and breaths down on their necks, or just follows closely. He's pretty tall, so he has to slouch on some of his victims, and what's even stranger is that they don't notice half the time! He's also very violent, in a calm, authoritive way. I've seen him rough up a couple of guys, as a joke I suppose, but he claims he'd never hit a girl.I say claims, because just the other day I was diligantly doing my work when he lightly socked me in my ribs, shocked, my knuckes grazed the rough, splintery surface of the table and now I have a nasty gash, not only that, but I also received a bruise on my knee by similar circumstance. I guess he became more open after he found out I could tolerate the pain, and secretly enjoy it. I don't know the story behind this strange boy, but it would be interesting to find out.

Well, yesterday was my best friend Ninettes 60's Mod Party. It was the funnest ever.It was just us small group of girls, eating, talking and laughing. The backyard was beautifully made up to a very Andy Warhol silver schematic. I probably gained ten pounds after that night. haha.

Sometimes, I feel alone. I don't neccesarily want 'a special  person' in my life, but I guess it would be nice once in a while. I think my manic depressive tendancies make this an unattainable obstacle. Why do I have to be so fickle?I hate that. I get bored easily, and this is something I must surely come over. Ughah.

Tags: 18, anorexia, diet, love, vampire, vampyr, warhol
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Television

No, not really a bad affliction. It just rhymed. Anywhichways. I'm gonna eat sushi later, so I'm excited!lol

My brother claims to be the biggest Depeche Mode Fan, and perhaps, litterally he is. I kid. Well anywho, I was singing "Enjoy the SIlence" and he says "you sang it wrong" and I'm like "excuse me?!" (I happen to be a rather MASSIVE FANATIC about Depeche Mode myself) and I say, "No, I didn't" so he wagers that he is most certain I sang it wrong. He said, "It's not 'Can't you Understand' it's won't you understand" so, he goes and checks the lyrics online... and guess who'se right?

I AM, I AM!

Like I'm ever wrong.lol

I was really sick the past few days, so having been blogging on much. hah blogging on. Mhmmm. I want sushi and mochis. 

la la la la la la la la
I realized, I've become dependent on Caffine! This is not good, not good at all! 

I was considering getting a nose job... because I've broken it three times, but then I realized, you know what? No. My nose gives me character and a unique look. I don't want to be like every other barbie doll on the planet (granted, I am far from looking like a barbie doll! lol). I'm going to stick with my nose, it matches me well, any other nose would feel to awkard, you know?

meh.

Current Mood: chipper

More auditioning today... where have all the good actors gone?

seriously. Everyone sucks. exept maybe three people. I should just get up and perform the whole play of 22 cast members using myself and the other three people. But I can't, because i'm assistant director.

There is this really nice girl that introduced herself to my brother and I yesterday. Her name is Rachel and she's really talkative, but I like that. She came by today again and we were talking about this club she's in and this guy she likes in the club and what not.

My friends and I are planning on dressing like the girls from Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" video and following people around at the Mall and freezing whenever they turn back. It sounds like a fun idea.

Anywho, there is this kinda cute guy I saw, he was working on something for the Props when we were auditioning in the auditorium. He kind of looks like Cal from Halloweentown 2, but meh.

There is also this retardedly annoying, compulsive liar in my film class who is in my group (unfortunatly!). I was wearing the cutest yello dress today and he said I look like a giant banana, well he can go suck my grits for all I care, that ugly loser. But on the contrary, everybody else loved this color on me and the dress itself. I thought I looked rather cute, though.

Ugh. My Creative writing teacher got iffed at me for figuring out who her roomate was. Come on, I was curious! She told us she was a supermodel... wouldn't you want to look up online to see who it was?! Now she won't even talk to me and she shoots me nasty looks, I mean; it's not even a big deal, she took it so anally. 

Oh! speaking of nasty looks, there is this fat girl who stands near my second period class who stares me down all the time, I don't even know her, I guess she's jealous of me or something! She has a nasty, mole on her forehead,too. I'm not one to make fun, but she's just a bitch. She mutters things after me and gives me that chicana glare down, you know what I'm talking about, right? Ugh. It really racks my nerves, and I've never even said one word to her! At least I'm envied.

wow. I sound really conceited; I'm sorry... I just sound that way when I need to vent.lol Wow, Livejournal is such an awesome way to release tension... and nobody you know in real life gets to see :)

Current Mood: content

yes, yes, I am the assistant (almost wrote assasin) director of the school play. This means I don't get to try out... even though I had the part of the newspaper reporter (one of the leads) pinned down and I would have definatly got the part. Truth be told, as the director(my drama teacher) and I were doing the auditions, I noticed that most of the people in my ADVANCED Drama class... can't act with scripts in front of them. I mean, sure they're great at improv... but come nothing close to excellent when reading lines. We were appalled.

Anywhoooo, for film class we were given a new project where we have to finish off a story our teacher starts and film it.  Well, we have a great storyline which we must progress with, but the people in my group are just everywhere with their ideas. It's a fun group though, I love it. I get to play the nerdy girl and Todd is the nerdy boy and then someone brought up how the nerdy girl and guy should kiss and I was mortified. Not that Todd is hideous, but I've never kissed anybody before and it would only be too awkward...lol. There is also a compulsive liar in my group, this kid cannot stop lying! Today he said he drove to school, but before he came he stopped by the liquor store and chugged a glass bottle of root beer... the funny thing about this story is ... he lives two minutes away from the school by walking. HAH HAH. I have funnier stories, but it would take forever to explain them all.

On top of all this school work I have to do two historical reports. One on Andy Warhol and the next on Charles Manson. I'm very excited to get started on these! :)

Current Mood: distressed

If I ask to be your friend, it's probably because I liked your bloggings... don't be such a bitch about it, *cough*. I'm very friendly and I probably commented one or more of your blogs. I guess some people aren't looking for friends? If not, take me off and stop bitching about it, alright?

This is my second entry for the day, woo, I'm that bored. Well, anywhich ways, I'm addicted to searching for journals randomly, but the ones that pop up are always in Russian! I take it there are more Russian people on LiveJournal than American, or any other English peoples. meh.

You know what really racks my nerves more than anything? Boys. I was seeing this boy for a while but decided to end things with him using the ignoring technique. hah hah. He deserved it though. He was very rude to me and smoked alot of, dare I say, WEED. I was appalled. His central item in life was the narcotic I am so pro abolishing. Well anywho, he was a rotten, rude and obnoxious person so I decided I did not want him in my future; he was rather quite boring, too. Well, I heard he was talking to his ex girlfriend again; a tidbit I did not want to know, but was told anyway, go figure. It's not that i'm angry or jealous, because he's REALLY ugly and I was way too good for him anyways... but the fact of the matter is that this girl cheated on him repeatedivly within their relationship AND SHE WAS THE ONE TO BREAK UP. This only makes him a weaker person, it makes me laugh how much of a wuss he must be to beg his way back into her life... and she's seeing another guy (this information was also given to me randomly as well).  I mean, I don't even know why I ever considered ever being with this guy anyway, first of all, he's extreamly ugly... I don't mean to be mean, but... his personality contributed to this ideology. He was a very rude, and uninteresting person. Some girls would say this defensively, but if you'd ever see a photograph of him, and then me... you'd wonder if I were even doing weed myself. I don't think I need that kind of a person in my life... Plus, he was very white trash and groddy... I wonder if he even bathed, but that's taking it a little too far. I should really stop. I just thought I had to post something about it because it has really been tugging at my funny bone. hah hah hah. Just thought I'd let that all out. 

I hope that didn't make me sound conceited or anything, because the fact of the matter is true... I mean, I don't go for looks anyways... but he was both ugly on the inside and out!

Current Mood: amused

[the link didn't work, but it basically said I got Princess Leia!) lol

Carousing livejournal have lead me to stumble upon many wonderful and interesting users! I found this test on one of them, and turns out, I'm just like Princess Leia, which is pretty bombtastic! lol.

Anywho. I went shopping this weeked and I spent money like a crazy person, but all in good fun (& therapy!)

I bought

a red and white stripey dress cut in a marilyn manroe fashion.

with matching stripey shoes

A polka dot black and white pinup dress (different from black and red one I bought last month)

A sunny yellow dress with matching headband

another black and white polka dot dress, but it's extreamly short and ugly, blame it on my mother to buy me a dress without me.

I bought pinstriped booty shorts
with matching pimp hat

a pleated white, red belted sailor anchor skirt with white leggings

a black and white striped tie (much like beetlejuice)

and many more trinkets...that don't deserve recognition. 

ouch. I'm going to grow to live on the streets, but wear the most top fashion in clothing. Because I'm shallow like that? Naw, I just like to look good. Speaking of Shallow; many people think I'm concieted! Which is not a good thing, not a good thing at all! =[ So I carry a big mirror and touch up my make up, shoot me. Pow Pow. It makes me feel so insecure sometimes, you know?

Tags: clothes, conceited, fashion, princess lei, shallow, star wars
Current Mood: contemplative

I guess this is my first post, but I've got alot to say! First and foremost, I've got some issues with some of the students at my new High School... The problem being is that they're all a bunch of SLUTS! Most of the girls I know have been on the 'pill'  since they were twelve or thirteen; this upsets me. I don't believe young girls should be having sexual relations with those of whom they are not or have not been committed to for over two good years. I don't like what the world is coming to. Many girls believe they have to have sex with a guy for them to be accepted, and I think that is extreamly wrong. It disgusts me. I believe you must love a person with your whole heart to accept them in your life sexually. Granted, I've had many boyfriends and not done as much as kiss any of them by far. I'm almost eighteen and I find quick relations or 'hook ups' to be repulsive and demeaning. Sure writing about sex, or thinking about it is fine (I too, am guilty of such thoughts) but actually acting out the experience in an unplanned manor is plain old degrading. Then again, I might as well be a hipocrite, because i've seen some guys I wouldn't mind having a go with... fsaERKthisreklhfn. But in the long run, I really wouldn't go off and 'do' that person. What I really mean to say is... if you're 15 you shouldn't be on birth control or having frivelous sex every night with young men you barely even know!!!

To Continue, there is also a plethora of individuals at my high school that smoke canabis, or in leimans terms, WEED. I do not condone such immoralities amongst my peers. It irks me to see students who can truely make something out of their future waste away under the influence of Weed. I was extreamly shocked when I discovered my close friends and classmates partook in the intoxication of such an illegal and harmful narcotic. Not only would this destroy the very essence of their thought process, but create a harmful and dangerous enviorment to base their future upon. Most of these students are what are better known as Burnouts, or ones who are dependent on weed to releive such small ailments as depression, being dumped or boredom. I never fully understood how weak a person must be to let Weed take control of their lives and deter their future to a life of sin and despair.

I guess that's All I have to say about that for now...

Tags: sex weed immorality sluts whores
Current Mood: restless